I moved into my grannies house in January. Gary, my uncle lived behind me. He was in bad shape when I came. I watched him out my back window slowly die. I watched him grow more weary and tired by day. I watched him stumble to the chicken coop, make his rounds around the yard at dark and check the mail. When he was outside, I came in. He didn't like company. I could feel his sorrow and lonely. I could feel his static at trying to avoid a convo with me. He came in the house once, to bring me mail and I screamed cause he startled me. I was in a dark place when I got here and he seen it. He let me be, And I returned the favor. Every day I tried to come up with some sort of plan to help him with out thinking I was helping him. Mom and I started taking him lunch every day. That went on for a few weeks until he told Jax "I don't want this food!"
So I would only take food when it was something granny had made in the past. I watched him watch my babies playing outside. I watched him. I felt my heart open up and tried to make him feel my love from my bedroom to his lil house. It grieved me before his actual death. Because I could feel death hovering. It was not scary or sad. But it was thick and heavy. My body is one giant sponge of feels. I worried. I worried about what I would do. When the time came. Not of the actual passing over. Death does not scare me. Death I believe is a rebirth. I've not always held that thought in its entirety but about 2 years ago when a friends husband passed away, I found I had a natural talent of speaking to the dead. And actually hearing some sort of response. I'd not believe this had I not been there. I'd not believe any of that had I not had several witnesses to it. But I did. And every message was validated by someone and so I guess I was doing it.
So I did not fear a death near to me. I feared what it would do to my family and what my options were as far as carrying out Gary's wishes. Gary wanted to die alone in his home. He didn't want to be in a hospital bed. About a month before he died I started feeling chest pains. I had already discovered that I actually feel others physical pain. That's a total other blog but that too had been validated time and time again by every human I hang around. I asked all of them if they were having chest pains. And none of them were. I asked my dad. I asked Mike. I asked Julie. I asked Jenn. I asked everyone. And for some reason I didn't pinpoint the owner of that excruciating chest pain.
The week he died, it was bad. I was scared cause I knew whom ever was feeling that was not ok. Idk why it didn't dawn on me. Gary and I slept less than 50 feet apart thru two walls. Energy is not bounded by walls and that pain was large.
So that week, Mike and I had found a middle ground of being around one another. And I was back and forth to Bryson. So I wasn't home a lot. I truly believe that the reason this happened this week was to keep me away from his actual death. I feel I was being protected by feeling someone having a massive heart attack.
That Monday mom tried to get Gary to go to the doctor, but he was up and moving around and screamed at her no! And told her not to come back till Friday. So she waited until Friday. Mike had scout and Eddie had already picked up the big kids so I got off work and ran home to grab clothing and head to Bryson. I left my car running. I ran in and peed. But as I stood up I automatically got in the shower. And I don't know why. My car was running but I just jumped in the shower and thought I'll hurry. As I'm getting out of the shower, I hear my mom scream "Jenny! I can't get Gary to answer the door."
I could tell by my moms voice that she already knew. I said "ok don't go in let me throw on clothing!!"
I went over and she sat on the steps. Crying. I told her that I'd go on in, stay there. So I walked in and I could smell it. Death. I've smelled death before. Mike is a animal hunter. And I have seen death and smelled it. But this was different. I opened his bedroom door, and there he was. But this was different than anything I expected. I felt like I had done this moment before. I felt like I was in a time parallel and this has been seen and I had done this moment before. Gary had died a few days before and his house was hot. So the hot box of his death made him decompose so bad that it was like a movie. The state of his human vessel was not what I had expected. I'll spare you the details. But it was bad. This all happened in a matter of seconds but me telling it takes me back to that moment and time seemed to stop. I turned around and said "no! Call 911. It's done" my mom started to come in and I pulled the door shut and screamed "no! Do not come in. It's bad"
Mom called 911, and could not talk so I took the phone. I don't remember the call much but I'm crass and I know I said we need a body bag. I just don't ever have time for chit chat. The cops came, the abulance came. They ran up and I said, y'all need to be prepared, it's bad and we are missing a dog. They go in and come out and start investigating a crime scene. Wildest thing I ever been thru. Because of the state of decomposition, they had to investigate. They questioned me and mom. They kept asking me if I was ok. And honestly in moments of crisis I'm always ok. I do not understand why. But in crisis I am calm. I kept thinking, hell how am I supposed to be acting.
As the days went on I worried, I thought, why did I not do more, why did I run from forcing him to let us help him more. And I grieved. I grieved his life. I grieved his aloneness. And I grieve still. I felt like a failure cause here is me, this woman girl who can feel pain of others and I did nothing to help him. Not that he would have recieved my help.
But I do know this. He's free now. The entrapment of his mind is no longer. I feel him free flowing all around here. I feel his love and I know he's here guarding my kids.
I'm glad it was me who seen him. I'm glad his brothers and sisters did not see what I seen. My mother couldn't have dealt with that.
I learned I was stronger and tougher and I learned that death does not phase me as much as the normal human. I learned that I can do anything I want. I learned I'm protected and guided and I learned how to allow events to unfold even when I already know what's going to happen. I'm the end, I knew. I could feel death all around here. I was already depressed, so it was easy to tap into that feeling. It was a blessing to be here when he went home. But it still sucked...
