Aloneness

I have been in this great transition for some time now, where all I ever believed about any and everything has came into question. 

It hasn't been easy or fun. 

At this point in my journey, I'm very sure if who I am, and who I am not. I don't know who I want to be. 

I really just want to be me. 

But literally very few understand me and can relate to me. While I can relate to everyone, hardly no one can relate to me. While I know this world is huge. And I know that I am most likely duplicated somewhere, I'm sure of it. 

I haven't found them. 

But I am looking. For that one person that gets me. One single soul that sees me. Not just what I am protraying in the moment. But me. 

If that does exist. I seem to make it exist for so many but not a one, can do that for me. 

Mostly they are just confused to what I maybe saying. 

Maybe I lost my chance on the ones I gave up. 

Maybe I'm a total idiot and I'm insane and I don't understand the point of living. All I know is the monotony of work, do this, do that, all to keep up with everyone else and do what ever one else does, feels like a slow death to me.

I'm glad that I am not like the other humans. I'm glad I'm uniquely me. I'm glad I don't feel the need to be just like the others. I'm glad I am who I am. 

I'm just sad that there isn't anyone who is also like me, it makes for a lonely alone journey. 

Too bad. 

Social experiments

I tend to look at life in a scientific way sometimes. 

I like to know what makes us tick.

I like to know why I do certain things. 

I like to understand people's traits, including my own. 

I have noticed that when you bring up death to people that have not lost someone significant, they will run from you. I tend to believe that we all should understand death a lil more. I feel like if you understand death, your going to understand life, in turn, understand uour mission in this life. 

There is a rhyme and reason to ever thing, in my opinion, others do not believe the same, or they just don't think about it. 

So here I am, talking to someone "do you think that after you die, if I'm alive, could you try to communicate with me?"

And do you know what happened, he quit talking to me altogether. 

So I wonder what is so weird about someone curious about death. I have been free of fear my entire life. I almost think I was just naturally born fearless but the fact I was raised in a great family home, that taught me to be genuine, that's part of it. 

So I do not fear death. I'm prepared to go there. As every one does. It is apart of living. I think it's cold and hard here on this planet, I think that being here has a purpose, weather to bring the planet out of that cold harshness of blackness, and bring happiness here, or to ride out a journey on earth to say you did it. Or who knows. Only you can figure out why you came here. 

So you live and you die. And death is just a rebirth of sorts and everyone fears it. 

What is the point

As far as I can see there is no point. No point in caring, no one is going to care about you. No point in dreaming. Cause those dreams never come true. No reason to love anyone, no one is going to love you. You can pour your heart and soul into something and it's just going to get taken. There is no point. People are only here to take what they want. The lucky ones get to take and take and have a happy life and the unlucky ones just get nothing. I've been patiently waiting for gods grace and I have not gotten it. God doesn't care about people like me. God only cares about fake dick heads that shit on all things to get ahead. Users and abusers get ahead. I can't figure it out. I've tried for months. And I have a lot  of good things in my life. But that doesn't take away this pain or heart ache that continues to grow. God has removed every single thing I love. Because God doesn't care about people like me. 

Human

Every human is different. 

Every human believes different.

Every human sees different. 

Every human is normal. 

Every human is abnormal. 

The only thing that actually separates us is the threat that someone else's beliefs, ideas, values, may be different than yours and may affect you. But it literally only affects you if you let it. But if you are so devout in your own beliefs, ideas and agendas, why do the same things of another human even affect you? 

  

Is it the idea that if you can sway them to your way, make you more secure in your own beliefs?  If so, then your being sketchy. 

Or is it that you want to save them? Save them from what? 

Being happy in their ideas, beliefs and life? That's actual crazy. 

Is it that if you can prove yours right then you are the superior human?? 

Being secure with in your own ideas, beliefs and theory's and way of living, then there should really be no problem. 

SO why does it even matter, why do you even have the need to care what they think, believe and do, if it doesn't negatively affect you  and or anyone at all. 

Let people do their thing. And you do yours. 

If you meet someone that's willing to listen to your shit with a open mind, choose to do the same with them. If  you get the chance to stand in someone else's shoes for  two seconds, your learning things. 

A liars prison

Everyone tells a lie on occasion. It's hard to be truthful in moments. Things may happen that you want to keep to yourself. People ask you a question you don't want to answer. You do things that you shouldn't and you lie. Or you are just one of those people that lie. I know a few of those. Lie for no reason. Lie about buying new shoes that you never bought. Little lies that you tell.

I do it. It happens even to me. When someone asks me how I am, I always have a choice, tell them the truth and bring them down, or tell a lil lie, I'm good! I'm not good. I'm in the middle of heartbreak and I'm angry at the forces that be. I mostly say something sarcastic and change the subject to the other party. If I start talking about myself it all bubbles out. I'm not made to be a liar. I've told lies and two days later came clean. I've told big lies and they hurt people and it eats me up inside. I feel pressure in my entire body to say the truth. But there are other humans that lie lie lie. For no reason. To hide themselves. To hide something. The thing about lies, is they all come out. The truth always comes out. It doesn't matter if it's ten years, a lie will unfold itself and come out. So why lie? Why not say the truth? It's hard for some to tell the truth. And I do not understand them. How do they sleep at night living in a lie. How do they get away with it??? I don't. I crumble.  A lie comes out and it's worse than just telling the truth. Why not just say complete truth, it can not hurt you. Oh for sure, it will hurt a few, but long run, as soon as it's over, it's out and gone, a lie is a splinter and it gets under your skin. It will fester and at some point explode all over you. 

I have no room in my life for liars. I just don't. You can do me wrong in many ways and I'll forgive, but when you lie more than once and over and over, I will let you take yourself out like the trash. There is nothing wrong with the truth. If it's the truth, even if it hurts me, it's just the truth and I can deal with it. 

If you have to lie to your partner, then something isn't right. If you have to lie to a friend, something isn't right. Don't hold your own self a prisoner of your own lies. 

Death

I've been dealing with death. Actual death and dead ideas, dead relationships, dead friendships. 

I moved into my grannies house in January. Gary, my uncle lived behind me. He was in bad shape when I came. I watched him out my back window slowly die. I watched him grow more weary and tired by day. I watched him stumble to the chicken coop, make his rounds around the yard at dark and check the mail. When he was outside, I came in. He didn't like company. I could feel his sorrow and lonely. I could feel his static at trying to avoid a convo with me. He came in the house once, to bring me mail and I screamed cause he startled me. I was in a dark place when I got here and he seen it. He let me be, And I returned the favor. Every day I tried to come up with some sort of plan to help him with out thinking I was helping him. Mom and I started taking him lunch every day. That went on for a few weeks until he told Jax "I don't want this food!" 

So I would only take food when it was something granny had made in the past. I watched him watch my babies playing outside. I watched him. I felt my heart open up and tried to make him feel my love from my bedroom to his lil house. It grieved me before his actual death. Because I could feel death hovering. It was not scary or sad. But it was thick and heavy. My body is one giant sponge of feels. I worried. I worried about what I would do. When the time came. Not of the actual passing over. Death does not scare me. Death I believe is a rebirth. I've not always held that thought in its entirety but about 2 years ago when a friends husband passed away, I found I had a natural talent of speaking to the dead. And actually hearing some sort of response. I'd not believe this had I not been there. I'd not believe any of that had I not had several witnesses to it. But I did. And every message was validated by someone and so I guess I was doing it. 

So I did not fear a death near to me. I feared what it would do to my family and what my options were as far as carrying out Gary's wishes. Gary wanted to die alone in his home. He didn't want to be in a hospital bed. About a month before he died I started feeling chest pains. I had already discovered that I actually feel others physical pain. That's a total other blog but that too had been validated time and time again by every human I hang around. I asked all of them if they were having chest pains. And none of them were. I asked my dad. I asked Mike. I asked Julie. I asked Jenn. I asked everyone. And for some reason I didn't pinpoint the owner of that excruciating chest pain. 

The week he died, it was bad. I was scared cause I knew whom ever was feeling that was not ok. Idk why it didn't dawn on me. Gary and I slept less than 50 feet apart thru two walls. Energy is not bounded by walls and that pain was large. 

So that week, Mike and I had found a middle ground of being around one another. And I was back and forth to Bryson. So I wasn't home a lot. I truly believe that the reason this happened this week was to keep me away from his actual death. I feel I was being protected by feeling someone having a massive heart attack. 

That Monday mom tried to get Gary to go to the doctor, but he was up and moving around and screamed at her no! And told her not to come back till Friday. So she waited until Friday. Mike had scout and Eddie had already picked up the big kids so I got off work and ran home to grab clothing and head to Bryson. I left my car running. I ran in and peed. But as I stood up I automatically got in the shower. And I don't know why. My car was running but I just jumped in the shower and thought I'll hurry. As I'm getting out of the shower, I hear my mom scream "Jenny! I can't get Gary to answer the door." 

I could tell by my moms voice that she already knew. I said "ok don't go in let me throw on clothing!!"

I went over and she sat on the steps. Crying. I told her that I'd go on in, stay there. So I walked in and I could smell it. Death. I've smelled death before. Mike is a animal hunter. And I have seen death and smelled it. But this was different. I opened his bedroom door, and there he was. But this was different than anything I expected. I felt like I had done this moment before. I felt like I was in a time parallel and this has been seen and I had done this moment before. Gary had died a few days before and his house was hot. So the hot box of his death made him decompose so bad that it was like a movie. The state of his human vessel was not what I had expected. I'll spare you the details. But it was bad. This all happened in a matter of seconds but me telling it takes me back to that moment and time seemed to stop. I turned around and said "no! Call 911. It's done" my mom started to come in and I pulled the door shut and screamed "no! Do not come in. It's bad"

Mom called 911, and could not talk so I took the phone. I don't remember the call much but I'm crass and I know I said we need a body bag. I just don't ever have time for chit chat. The cops came, the abulance came. They ran up and I said, y'all need to be prepared, it's bad and we are missing a dog. They go in and come out and start investigating a crime scene. Wildest thing I ever been thru. Because of the state of decomposition, they had to investigate. They questioned me and mom. They kept asking me if I was ok. And honestly in moments of crisis I'm always ok. I do not understand why. But in crisis I am calm. I kept thinking, hell how am I supposed to be acting. 

As the days went on I worried, I thought, why did I not do more, why did I run from forcing him to let us help him more. And I grieved. I grieved his life. I grieved his aloneness. And I grieve still. I felt like a failure cause here is me, this woman girl who can feel pain of others and I did nothing to help him. Not that he would have recieved my help. 

But I do know this. He's free now. The entrapment of his mind is no longer. I feel him free flowing all around here. I feel his love and I know he's here guarding my kids. 

I'm glad it was me who seen him. I'm glad his brothers and sisters did not see what I seen. My mother couldn't have dealt with that. 

I learned I was stronger and tougher and I learned that death does not phase me as much as the normal human. I learned that I can do anything I want. I learned I'm protected and guided and I learned how to allow events to unfold even when I already know what's going to happen. I'm the end, I knew. I could feel death all around here. I was already depressed, so it was easy to tap into that feeling. It was a blessing to be here when he went home. But it still sucked...

No one is going to say it for you

I've always been a talker.  When I have something big to say, heck even little, I feel it well up in my chest, and it explodes there if I leave it unsaid and I either, self implode on myself or whomever it is the words are for.  Some days I'll have a lil more control than others and I'll get the chance to form the thoughts before I go off half cocked with some crazy shit coming out of my mouth. And sometimes not. Sometimes when I'm making a Facebook post about some crap, and i don't even know where the message came from, it comes out so fast that I can't even edit. It just like word vomits out of my body. I am made this way. If there is truth to speak, I have to speak it. This does cause me total problems. My friends really have to understand me to stay. Cause I'm honest. My family already knows. 

I know that when you speak things that are deep and come from the soul leave you very vulnerable and it's scary for some. I have a friend, when they got something to say, I feel their anxiety, rise up their throat like bile and sits in their chest and eats them alive. They are full of anxiety because they can not get their words out. They can not express themselves. And I have been working and trying to figure out why. So I came up with this; 

1. When was the last time you could express yourself? Was is a companion that you expressed yourself to and they made you feel inadequate by dismissing your feelings. 

2. Did you express your love and pour it all out on them and did they leave you.? 

3. Let's go farther back, was it something in your childhood? Did you try to express your needs, and there was no one there to really fufill them? So u just quit expressing. 

I know why this person quit expressing. I seen the vision in my own head. Like a frozen picture in time that downloaded in my mind. 

So I have these questions; 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life stuck, because you can't even stand up and say no. 

Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life because you are to afraid to say what you need, how you feel, and express your feelings, so the other person you are with at the moment, thinks your vacant. When actually you are so full of emotions but you just can't say them. 

Do you have anything to lose by saying how you feel? No. You actually don't.. Because if you express yourself and they can't handle your emotions, they aren't supposed to. 

But what will happen if you don't express yourself, is everyone will just assume you are hollow and empty and they will walk. It is your body, your voice and your life, there will be no one but you to use your voice. You have nothing to lose. Start small. When someone asks you how you feel, tell them the truth, say "well I'm fine, but my head does hurt" or "well I'm ok, but I'm starving" 

You are a human being, you don't have to keep it together all the time. You aren't that same lil human not getting your needs met by busy parents. You are not that adolescent or teen that got your heart broken, and you somehow closed up inside of yourself and built walls so high that your words out. Damn it. Speak up. Say what your needs are. Say what your feelings are. Only you can express how you feel. No one else knows. And no one will help fufill your needs if they have no freaking clue how to. Because you are so solitairy. It's not weak to express yourself. It's beautiful and its freeing. Say what you feel! If you feel like shit, say it. If you are in love, say it!!! Scream it. If your pissed off, scream it!!  Say it already !!! 

Paradox of the perfect life.

We build these lives in our minds. As we grow up. These lives we see. This man or woman to come along and fufill us. This home we long for, these cars, a good job. These material things that essentially mean nothing. We build this life. We may even get a chance to live it. But there is something missing and you just can not pin point what it is. You aren't happy. You struggle day to day to find what you think your looking for. 

These lives that we are told to live. Is a lie. The paradox of the "perfect life" with the white picket fence and all that shit. It's bullshit. It is a idea of a government. To keep us contained. It's a idea of our parents, our parents parents, their parents. It's bull shit. You build this life in your mind. The only life that you live that feels good, it's true to your soul. 

And what is true to your soul, may not be the "paradox of a perfect life" 

It maybe, you are alone raising your kids with all the people that makes them w you.. There is no picket fence. There is no perfect home. There is no perfect relationship. There is no perfect life. This life you have built in your head, this perfect life, is only going to screw you up. Because when things don't go so perfect, you totally lose yourself and think "I'm miserable, maybe if I do this, it'll make things better" but what you end up doing is piling a bunch of bullshit on bullshit and now you just have a pile of materialistic bullshit. 

So I ask you to ask yourself "what does my soul say?" 

Does my soul feel good? Am I living my personal truth, do I even know my personal truth? 

What you see as perfect in the next persons life is totally bullshit. They are faking it till they make it. And trust me I can spot a fake person one mile away. Build that beautiful home, have that precious family, with the emptiness inside of you. Keep projecting this perfectness. It won't matter, you will crumble anyway. You will start looking to other ways to fill up your soul. I can list them, but I won't.

You have to ask yourself daily, "is my soul happy?" Am I complete? And if your answer is no, you seek. You look to God and you look to the inside of yourself and you find yourself and when you do, you jump into what ever makes you happy. Even if you jump the ship of the "paradox of the perfect life" 

At some point if you aren't happy, it'll all crumble before your very eyes, anyway. Just ask me bout it. Your spirit, your soul has more power than you think. It will wake you up when you least expect it to. And you will have to change the things that you think are the "perfect life" to be what is true to you. Not to your parents ideas, your grandparents ideas, or  society ideas. It's your soul. That is your compass. God guides that. God has direct connection to that energy force that is with in you. 

Spirit animals

When you come across certain animals several times, animals you don't normally see. But you've crossed paths with a particular animal more than one time, it means something. The first time I noticed this it was dragon flies. This was when I lived in Bryson and my spiritual energy was just starting to flow thru me evenly and deeply. And these dragon flies they were normal to see but what wasn't normal, is I could stand in the yard and they'd swarm me. And if I was sitting, they would land on me, and stay until I moved. Dragon flies mean change and transformation, adaptability, joy and lightness, invitation to learn your emotions, to be on the look out for deiciets and illusions(personal and external) all of this resonated with me at the time. 

Then it was bees, bees would do the same, land on me and not sting. Swarm around me and fly off. 

Then Hawks, hedgehogs, wolves, eagles, dove, dragons, turtles, blue birds, elephants, idk if that's all. These animals would show up in the strangest places and they would at the time, relate to what ever I had going on at the time. When I would see one and recognize that I had seen said creature multiple times, it would dawn on me to check what it meant and I would and every time, it would correlate with a drama or situation that I was having. Some times it would be so weird, my mind almost wouldn't believe it. I'm very in tune with the aspects of nature, I've always been that way. Laying in the dirt is my most healing thng I can do, sitting against the truck of a tree is the best healing connection you can get. Our creator is apart of all things that he has created and when you take the time to connect to his nature, you fill up something inside of you. If you have had a creature or thing that keeps showing up, it's not a coincidence. They are speaking to you thru nature. You will find answers here, so pay attention and when you want to do research, a you have to do is Google spritual meaning of ?? And you will be surprised at how it relates. 

Reflection

It's said that the people you are around and the way that they treat you is a reflection of how you act for towards them. I can believe this because I do it. I tend to mimic the person I'm around. If they are nervous, I am as well. If they are lying, I don't like it and I act weird. If they are shady, I'm awkward. I want to call the shady out, but I fight myself to do it. I try to put out what I want to receive back, and that's honesty, straight forward behavior that is loving. There is love in truth even if it's rough. If the other person is wearing a "mask" and is not truthful, I tend to call them out even on accident. I don't mean to do it. I just can not take it when someone is fake. Like it's not like I truly care if a stranger on the street is being a snob. But if I interact with them, they just don't get to treat me that way. Something will come out of my mouth that isn't nice. It's easier when my kids are around cause I can look at my children and tell them that if they ever act like that, I'm going to beat them. The way you treat others, is what your going to get back from people. I'm open to anyone. For instance the 20 year old partying with the drunks at the tattoo parlor. They were ramblers. They were on foot with a dog, she had a undershirt type tank top with major boobs and I do mean boobs that where like ba-bam. And he was skraggly w a dog on a leash. They were drinking the drunks alcohol. They were in love. I could tell that. A solid couple of young kids not 21. Maybe 20. I always make up a story in my head about people. And I decided they had no money and they were just wandering. They may have been camping or maybe they go back to moms house randomly. They had no roots tho. They did not have jobs. They were free. They wander around and find their next meal. Scociety says this is not acceptable. I don't mind. I feel like if they aren't destructive or thieves they can find people who genuinely care enough to sustain their lives. Until they wrong me, I'll be kind. And so I was. People like this are interesting. They had their instincts on point tho, as they left before the cops arrived. 

I am the same way. When I have been at a place with my kids, and if I'm around you in a setting, where there are drinks and idiots, and you look up and I'm gone, it's because somethin fixing to happen and I want no part of it. And my kids know my looks, I can give one look and say "load" and 3 kids and all our shit will be gone. I've had people call me, where'd you go!? So and so got into a fight, and I'm like yea, I'm out. We don't hang like that. If I'm alone, I might stay but if my kids are with me and there is anything going on that makes me uncomfortable, I am gone, and you won't even know I've left. 

Anyway, so the reflection of what you recieve from others. I open myself up to everyone. They get my openness and they get my honesty. But if you are being shady in anyway, I'm going to reflect that back. If I act crazy towards you, it's because you are doing something wrong. You gotta ask yourself, have I been on the up and up with her. And if I've been acting crazy, towards you, the answer is no. You absolutely have not been acting right towards me. You wana lie and be shady and not nice? Well you getting awkward crazy. Period. You being nice, open and honest, you get the good Jenny. This happens with everyone you interact with. Pay attention what you are putting out there. 

Words and nothing more... Frank Hamilton...

I love music and I love lyrics, I love words and I love this song .... 

Farewell the summer and welcome in the rain,

i found a lover left me high and dry again,

a non believer i will never be,

but there's no further questions in the case of you and me,

no further questions in the case of you and me.

i wish you weren't the first thing on my mind in the morning,

i'll put you in a love song, i'll put you in a love song,

and soon you'll be words and nothing more,

a song that i heard but never bought,

and under london skies we'll find our way,

find our way back home.

no, you are not a lover so i am not your friend,

this is not a rom-com there will be no happy end,

i have trouble sleeping but i can dream for days,

i'll change my socks but i will never change my ways darling,

i can change my socks but i will never change my ways,

you won't always be the first thing on my mind in the morning,

i'll put you in a love song, i'll put you in a love song,

and soon you'll be words and nothing more,

a song that i heard but never bought,

and under london skies we'll find our way,

find our way back home.

oh, i can change my socks but i will never change my ways.

i can change my socks but i will never change my ways.

i can change my socks but i will never change my ways.

i can change my socks but i wont ever change.

and soon you'll be words and nothing more,

a song that i heard but never bought,

and under london skies we'll find our way,

we'll find our way...

a face in the crowd i used to know.

cause darling right now i want you so,

but under london skies i'll find my way,

i'll find my way back home .

I love water.

Beach day two, we started out with a pep talk today, yesterday was crazy. I normally get a min by myself with my kids to lay down the law. If there are others to interfere with our process things get all messed up. There are several parents here, and everyone has a say. But mostly cause I'm the 24 hour parent, I like to start out at the bottom, I just am the bossiest and most stubborn. But I am kind and generous in the way that I told them this; alright, stay less than half of the house away from me at all times...they want to get out there real far, it goes for miles it seems and is still shallow, and they want to ride the big waves. And it's not that I care, I told them it's logistics, I can not get to you in time to save you if something happens, you have to be close enough, for ms to save you. I have 3 stubborn kids that are not going to do a dam thing I say unless they understand the reasons. And once they see why I tell them things, they tend to stick with the program. And then it's Jax mind Jennifer, (Jax has always not completely jived with Jenn, it's just something we have adjusted to. They love each other but there is still a lil disrespectful behavior out of Jax toward her.) and Harper just mind period, and scout mind josh(josh and scout butt heads) I make them mind everyone else. I make them respect everyone else. They have to respect these other figures of authority and I do too, to make this entire situation to work. The kids have to see that it's normal from me. And they follow suite. 

So today they stuck closer, were more aware of where they were and it was a beautiful day. We are all sunburned and tired. I plan on shopping for crap later. That's my fav thing to do on vacay, find crap that I like, that's not what I find at home. 

And I'm going to find some crab legs. And sea food that knocks my socks off. I may have a fruity adult beverage as well. I'm moving to the beach. 

Choices

You can't blame anyone for the choices you make. You don't get to say well because they....no, they aren't you. You made the decision to do what ever it was that you did. If you were manipulated in any way, still your fault, stand in your convictions. If you can't stand up to them, again, get ya some balls. Once you own your own actions, things seem to go a little smoother. Be aware of the choices, and be aware that choices are just ripples in the ocean. And the choices affect what ever is standing in your water. And be prepared to deal with what ever you choose. Do you just ignore whom ever you affected and turn your nose at the fact you toppled their boat in your water because of the choices and ripple affect. Do you fix the situation, and send them off? What do you do when you make choices that hurt others? Do you blame others and walk away? Or do you create solutions to fix the problem? There are many types of people. Which one are you. 

Beach it.

I do not know what it is about the ocean. It's the most healing place I've connected to. 4 hours at the beach, my skin covered in salt and sand everywhere. I love it. The smell of the ocean. The sounds. The marine life. Everything. We are in a beautiful spot. And my heart is full. And I'm at total peace. I want to live next to the ocean. 5am

Let her go. Passenger..

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Pete and repeat,

I tend to repeat myself a lot. That must be annoying for anyone communicating with me. I honestly just openly realized it. It's like my brain just rotates over and over the same things. My life is sort of full of synchronized events. Several small things will relate to one big thing, so it just comes back up and I go over it again. One small moment, unrelated to anything, becomes related to a big situation going on. This happens in all areas. I do not know if it's my brain just relating the events together. Or if it's something else. They say that's the universe speaking to you. Showing you the solutions to the situations, thru these small moments unrelated. And guiding you to the path you are to be on. They say these synchronicities are divine speaking to you. Showing you where to go. I'm sane enough to realize, this could be my brain, just doin its computer work it does. Or it could be something else. It could be God speaking to me. I have used them both ways. When something happens that relates to something else, my entire body will get chill bumps and it skin sets fire. So I tend to know its my higher self taking to divine. Passing it on down to my human self. Me. Jenny. The repeater of stuff. 

Today I saved a life

Well today I can say I actually saved a life. It was like any normal Friday. We were not too busy and I was out in the back part of the dining room, visiting.. I hear Joyde scream my name, I walk around and see a man hold up his woman and she's choking, so I pushed him out of the way and did the freaking Hiemlich on her until the food came out. While my mom, and every one freaked out. My mom freaks out in crisis. I'm talking like she's worthless. My mom can do anything. I mean she can get anything done. In miraculous ways. But she can't handle emergencies. I'm the most chaotic human I know but when there is emergency I'm the one to handle it. Mostly because my mind works so damn fast that I just react. I don't think I just do. I know this woman, I sit and visit her every time she comes in. She thinks I'm too skinny and she's so super gentle and kind. When she stopped choking she turned around and I just held her. She cried and I told her in her ear to calm down she was fine. And then I lost it. I dawned on me what had even happened. I had to go outside ... It just made me realize how short life can be. I mean she had not had air for a min or so. And no one could think. It was bizarrelike. 

I react so fast to anything and some times that's not a good thing, but in this moment because I do not think, and I just did what I had to do, I saved her life. My mom was like idk what we would've done, it would have taken 911 to get there a while. And I was like I'm not letting anyone dying on me. I'd have shoved my hands on her throat if I had to. I'd have done anything to get her breathing again. She was twice my size and I still was able to do it. I don't know how. Other than that I have God and angels walking with me. Life is short. Love your people. 

Raisin kids.

Im outside hiding. It's been one of the days that being a parent can kiss my ass. In the hours of 4pm-10:16...started out alright after I got off work...went outside, came back in and there's Harper and scout middle of the kitchen floor, with bout 7 large cups, and a few bottles of water and all of my food coloring. Which was bout 3 different kinds for icing colors...I stop at the door and Harper looks up at me in a already defiant voice and screams "it's a science experiment!!!" Im pissed at the mess but hell I can't argue with that logic. I just calmly looked at her, cause she obviously just manipulated me into not getting on to her, and said "did I say anything, just clean up the mess or I'm mad." I asked on by and they actually did clean it up. Then 30 mins later, I hear screaming in the loudest voice possible, I go outside where they are, and the entire neighborhood most likely can hear Harper screaming and crying because scout hit her cause she was playing with his toys(scout does not like to share, he doesn't like to play with his toys, he likes them new, and he plays with everyone else's things)  then I looked around and realized that on the back porch Harper has drug her entire bed room out there...another mess..(still there)She's screaming at scout and I'm screaming at her. Telling her to go lay down. She cries when she's tired and she also feels my moods and my mood this afternoon was not butterflies and rainbows. I am exhausted. Thru out all this jaxens tearing apart the house looking for a phone charger. Asking where one is, and I don't care, cause he's in charge of his own property. I can barely keep track of my own stuff. He's 10, keep up with your crap kid! I get everyone laid down and then one by one they straggle in with in 10 mins, hungry. I send them all back to their rooms with a snack. Bout 30 mins later, we repeat that entire story over again. These three lil children are a gang. They sit in their rooms and they plan...they have a dry erase board in their closet and they map out a solid plan to break me. Always send in the baby first. Hit him, hurt his feelings, make him cry, SEND ROUND ONE. Then I automatically have to call in the middle child to find out why she hit him, but then I have to call in the OLDEST to find out the truth. So they all comin at me, telling three different stories. So at that point I DONT EVEN CARE! Go away!! They won. They got away with everything. They have won today. There's always tomorrow for parenting domination ....they had sandwiches tho, so I did get one battle won. Don't make the person feeding you angry! 

Band of gypsies

Have you ever felt as if you were walking around in a haze. Not really living. Like you are alive but you are not living. You go to work, you go home, you do home stuff, you go to bed, and you repeat. That is not living. 

Yesterday I went to Starbucks, I watched a deep red headed guy with hair down to the middle of his back, full beard and mustache, maybe 30, dressed in converse, cut off blue shorts and a tshirt. He was muscular but had this feminine quality about him. I don't even know why I just thought that... Anyway. He was walking a pit bull in the grass behind water burger. I was pulled to him. My eyes. I watched him walk back towards Starbucks he was careful to keep the pit bull up to him. Making sure she followed him. I don't know if it was a girl dog, but I feel it was. She was about a year old, and she stayed right at his feet. She had no collar or leash. They were both free. I know a free spirit when I come across one. And I'm always drawn to them. When I leave Starbucks and pull passed the front of the building, at the tables sits a group of them 30 something group of free spirits. My soul longed to join them. Like I see a free spirit and I long to join them. As if I belong there. In freedom. Or have been there. I promise you that they haven't paid taxes. I knew they most likely didn't have drivers licenses. I could tell the way the guy had walked the dog back to the group that he was nervous about be in the open center of nothing like someone was fixing to scream at him to get off the lot. Or that he wasn't in his group. It felt more like the guy that really is not a bad human, but because of his freedom of spirit he gets lashed out at by society. 

I went on to Walmart with out another thought of the free spirits sitting so close to me that I can smell and feel the freedom. 

As I was leaving, a Rv catches my attention. It was a old school big one sitting long ways right in the damn way. It had its lil engine box pulled out. I felt sorry for it then, it obviously had cruised in and had to stop right there. I could have gone around and drove away, but I just felt pulled to drive around it. And there next to the Rv was a small homemade looking box trailer. And a old gal of about 50 with big blonde wavy hair like she stuck her finger in a light socket, a lady I used to know, told me she felt rode hard and put up wet, and that saying is a good way to describe this woman. Another tacky way to say it but it will allow you a visual image, is crack whore. I felt for her tho. She was stuck with the stuff. While, who ever went to get parts for the Rv and most likely my band of free spirits, sittin up at Starbucks  enjoyed the stop. These people were gypsies. And gypsies feel like my people. I could get in that Rv and be just freaking amazing. Going where ever the wind blew us with a group of people that I call family that may or may not be blood. I honestly didn't even think of these people again and I don't even know why I started telling this story. But if there is reincarnation and I personally believe there is, I had to of been a gypsy. I still follow my spirit where ever she takes me. And I still don't follow the rules. And I still have a band of people that aren't blood related and that are, that I would lay down my life for. I live both ways. In society and in my freedom. That is a beautiful revelation about myself. I'm true to me but I'm able to still be apart of anything. I bring my self to the table and I bring food too. 

To be crazy.

Well I walk a fine line. I have a story. I was laying down last night, trying to sleep. I can never go to sleep lately, they say when you can't sleep at night is cause your awake in someone else's dreams. That I believe. My ear started aching, and I thought shit I have swimmers ear. We spent the week in the water. We love water. So I'm like hell. I touch my ear. It does not hurt. The pain rolls over me again. It feels like swimmers ear, I touch my ear again, and behind it, it doesn't hurt. I then get up and check my kids, scouts asleep, Jax and Harper are watching tv. In bed. I go lay back down. When I wake up, scout has a ear ache in the ear I was feeling pain. I took him to the dr this afternoon. I told my doctor this story. And I told my doctor how I feel a few friends pains, and I held my hand out in flat and laid my other standing up on it and I said "I realize I walk a fine line here, of crazy, I realize I'm standing on this line and if I'm not careful to what I say about things I have been doing, I'm insane, but I feel like because I know this I am sane" he laughed at me. He's been my dr since 1987 and I have received all kinds of care from him, illness, mental and physical and emotional. He is my moms doctor and my granny's. He KNOWS me and my history. And he said one word "empath" and I said yes. and he said are you asking how to stop it? And I said no, it's a gift. I literally am picking up my peoples physical pain. I don't know if I'm feeling it out of empathy or like taking some of it. I just know I am doing it. The fact I feel my babies pain isn't a shock. I'm surprised I've not noticed it with them sooner. Tonight scout walked In the living room, and I said "does your ear hurt" he tells me "no" because he hates antibiotics. But my ear panged a pang of pain, and said does it hurt? He again said no. And I said scout it hurts, I feel it, he said it hurts a lil. So there's your crazy.