Death

I've been dealing with death. Actual death and dead ideas, dead relationships, dead friendships. 

I moved into my grannies house in January. Gary, my uncle lived behind me. He was in bad shape when I came. I watched him out my back window slowly die. I watched him grow more weary and tired by day. I watched him stumble to the chicken coop, make his rounds around the yard at dark and check the mail. When he was outside, I came in. He didn't like company. I could feel his sorrow and lonely. I could feel his static at trying to avoid a convo with me. He came in the house once, to bring me mail and I screamed cause he startled me. I was in a dark place when I got here and he seen it. He let me be, And I returned the favor. Every day I tried to come up with some sort of plan to help him with out thinking I was helping him. Mom and I started taking him lunch every day. That went on for a few weeks until he told Jax "I don't want this food!" 

So I would only take food when it was something granny had made in the past. I watched him watch my babies playing outside. I watched him. I felt my heart open up and tried to make him feel my love from my bedroom to his lil house. It grieved me before his actual death. Because I could feel death hovering. It was not scary or sad. But it was thick and heavy. My body is one giant sponge of feels. I worried. I worried about what I would do. When the time came. Not of the actual passing over. Death does not scare me. Death I believe is a rebirth. I've not always held that thought in its entirety but about 2 years ago when a friends husband passed away, I found I had a natural talent of speaking to the dead. And actually hearing some sort of response. I'd not believe this had I not been there. I'd not believe any of that had I not had several witnesses to it. But I did. And every message was validated by someone and so I guess I was doing it. 

So I did not fear a death near to me. I feared what it would do to my family and what my options were as far as carrying out Gary's wishes. Gary wanted to die alone in his home. He didn't want to be in a hospital bed. About a month before he died I started feeling chest pains. I had already discovered that I actually feel others physical pain. That's a total other blog but that too had been validated time and time again by every human I hang around. I asked all of them if they were having chest pains. And none of them were. I asked my dad. I asked Mike. I asked Julie. I asked Jenn. I asked everyone. And for some reason I didn't pinpoint the owner of that excruciating chest pain. 

The week he died, it was bad. I was scared cause I knew whom ever was feeling that was not ok. Idk why it didn't dawn on me. Gary and I slept less than 50 feet apart thru two walls. Energy is not bounded by walls and that pain was large. 

So that week, Mike and I had found a middle ground of being around one another. And I was back and forth to Bryson. So I wasn't home a lot. I truly believe that the reason this happened this week was to keep me away from his actual death. I feel I was being protected by feeling someone having a massive heart attack. 

That Monday mom tried to get Gary to go to the doctor, but he was up and moving around and screamed at her no! And told her not to come back till Friday. So she waited until Friday. Mike had scout and Eddie had already picked up the big kids so I got off work and ran home to grab clothing and head to Bryson. I left my car running. I ran in and peed. But as I stood up I automatically got in the shower. And I don't know why. My car was running but I just jumped in the shower and thought I'll hurry. As I'm getting out of the shower, I hear my mom scream "Jenny! I can't get Gary to answer the door." 

I could tell by my moms voice that she already knew. I said "ok don't go in let me throw on clothing!!"

I went over and she sat on the steps. Crying. I told her that I'd go on in, stay there. So I walked in and I could smell it. Death. I've smelled death before. Mike is a animal hunter. And I have seen death and smelled it. But this was different. I opened his bedroom door, and there he was. But this was different than anything I expected. I felt like I had done this moment before. I felt like I was in a time parallel and this has been seen and I had done this moment before. Gary had died a few days before and his house was hot. So the hot box of his death made him decompose so bad that it was like a movie. The state of his human vessel was not what I had expected. I'll spare you the details. But it was bad. This all happened in a matter of seconds but me telling it takes me back to that moment and time seemed to stop. I turned around and said "no! Call 911. It's done" my mom started to come in and I pulled the door shut and screamed "no! Do not come in. It's bad"

Mom called 911, and could not talk so I took the phone. I don't remember the call much but I'm crass and I know I said we need a body bag. I just don't ever have time for chit chat. The cops came, the abulance came. They ran up and I said, y'all need to be prepared, it's bad and we are missing a dog. They go in and come out and start investigating a crime scene. Wildest thing I ever been thru. Because of the state of decomposition, they had to investigate. They questioned me and mom. They kept asking me if I was ok. And honestly in moments of crisis I'm always ok. I do not understand why. But in crisis I am calm. I kept thinking, hell how am I supposed to be acting. 

As the days went on I worried, I thought, why did I not do more, why did I run from forcing him to let us help him more. And I grieved. I grieved his life. I grieved his aloneness. And I grieve still. I felt like a failure cause here is me, this woman girl who can feel pain of others and I did nothing to help him. Not that he would have recieved my help. 

But I do know this. He's free now. The entrapment of his mind is no longer. I feel him free flowing all around here. I feel his love and I know he's here guarding my kids. 

I'm glad it was me who seen him. I'm glad his brothers and sisters did not see what I seen. My mother couldn't have dealt with that. 

I learned I was stronger and tougher and I learned that death does not phase me as much as the normal human. I learned that I can do anything I want. I learned I'm protected and guided and I learned how to allow events to unfold even when I already know what's going to happen. I'm the end, I knew. I could feel death all around here. I was already depressed, so it was easy to tap into that feeling. It was a blessing to be here when he went home. But it still sucked...

No one is going to say it for you

I've always been a talker.  When I have something big to say, heck even little, I feel it well up in my chest, and it explodes there if I leave it unsaid and I either, self implode on myself or whomever it is the words are for.  Some days I'll have a lil more control than others and I'll get the chance to form the thoughts before I go off half cocked with some crazy shit coming out of my mouth. And sometimes not. Sometimes when I'm making a Facebook post about some crap, and i don't even know where the message came from, it comes out so fast that I can't even edit. It just like word vomits out of my body. I am made this way. If there is truth to speak, I have to speak it. This does cause me total problems. My friends really have to understand me to stay. Cause I'm honest. My family already knows. 

I know that when you speak things that are deep and come from the soul leave you very vulnerable and it's scary for some. I have a friend, when they got something to say, I feel their anxiety, rise up their throat like bile and sits in their chest and eats them alive. They are full of anxiety because they can not get their words out. They can not express themselves. And I have been working and trying to figure out why. So I came up with this; 

1. When was the last time you could express yourself? Was is a companion that you expressed yourself to and they made you feel inadequate by dismissing your feelings. 

2. Did you express your love and pour it all out on them and did they leave you.? 

3. Let's go farther back, was it something in your childhood? Did you try to express your needs, and there was no one there to really fufill them? So u just quit expressing. 

I know why this person quit expressing. I seen the vision in my own head. Like a frozen picture in time that downloaded in my mind. 

So I have these questions; 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life stuck, because you can't even stand up and say no. 

Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life because you are to afraid to say what you need, how you feel, and express your feelings, so the other person you are with at the moment, thinks your vacant. When actually you are so full of emotions but you just can't say them. 

Do you have anything to lose by saying how you feel? No. You actually don't.. Because if you express yourself and they can't handle your emotions, they aren't supposed to. 

But what will happen if you don't express yourself, is everyone will just assume you are hollow and empty and they will walk. It is your body, your voice and your life, there will be no one but you to use your voice. You have nothing to lose. Start small. When someone asks you how you feel, tell them the truth, say "well I'm fine, but my head does hurt" or "well I'm ok, but I'm starving" 

You are a human being, you don't have to keep it together all the time. You aren't that same lil human not getting your needs met by busy parents. You are not that adolescent or teen that got your heart broken, and you somehow closed up inside of yourself and built walls so high that your words out. Damn it. Speak up. Say what your needs are. Say what your feelings are. Only you can express how you feel. No one else knows. And no one will help fufill your needs if they have no freaking clue how to. Because you are so solitairy. It's not weak to express yourself. It's beautiful and its freeing. Say what you feel! If you feel like shit, say it. If you are in love, say it!!! Scream it. If your pissed off, scream it!!  Say it already !!! 

Paradox of the perfect life.

We build these lives in our minds. As we grow up. These lives we see. This man or woman to come along and fufill us. This home we long for, these cars, a good job. These material things that essentially mean nothing. We build this life. We may even get a chance to live it. But there is something missing and you just can not pin point what it is. You aren't happy. You struggle day to day to find what you think your looking for. 

These lives that we are told to live. Is a lie. The paradox of the "perfect life" with the white picket fence and all that shit. It's bullshit. It is a idea of a government. To keep us contained. It's a idea of our parents, our parents parents, their parents. It's bull shit. You build this life in your mind. The only life that you live that feels good, it's true to your soul. 

And what is true to your soul, may not be the "paradox of a perfect life" 

It maybe, you are alone raising your kids with all the people that makes them w you.. There is no picket fence. There is no perfect home. There is no perfect relationship. There is no perfect life. This life you have built in your head, this perfect life, is only going to screw you up. Because when things don't go so perfect, you totally lose yourself and think "I'm miserable, maybe if I do this, it'll make things better" but what you end up doing is piling a bunch of bullshit on bullshit and now you just have a pile of materialistic bullshit. 

So I ask you to ask yourself "what does my soul say?" 

Does my soul feel good? Am I living my personal truth, do I even know my personal truth? 

What you see as perfect in the next persons life is totally bullshit. They are faking it till they make it. And trust me I can spot a fake person one mile away. Build that beautiful home, have that precious family, with the emptiness inside of you. Keep projecting this perfectness. It won't matter, you will crumble anyway. You will start looking to other ways to fill up your soul. I can list them, but I won't.

You have to ask yourself daily, "is my soul happy?" Am I complete? And if your answer is no, you seek. You look to God and you look to the inside of yourself and you find yourself and when you do, you jump into what ever makes you happy. Even if you jump the ship of the "paradox of the perfect life" 

At some point if you aren't happy, it'll all crumble before your very eyes, anyway. Just ask me bout it. Your spirit, your soul has more power than you think. It will wake you up when you least expect it to. And you will have to change the things that you think are the "perfect life" to be what is true to you. Not to your parents ideas, your grandparents ideas, or  society ideas. It's your soul. That is your compass. God guides that. God has direct connection to that energy force that is with in you. 

Spirit animals

When you come across certain animals several times, animals you don't normally see. But you've crossed paths with a particular animal more than one time, it means something. The first time I noticed this it was dragon flies. This was when I lived in Bryson and my spiritual energy was just starting to flow thru me evenly and deeply. And these dragon flies they were normal to see but what wasn't normal, is I could stand in the yard and they'd swarm me. And if I was sitting, they would land on me, and stay until I moved. Dragon flies mean change and transformation, adaptability, joy and lightness, invitation to learn your emotions, to be on the look out for deiciets and illusions(personal and external) all of this resonated with me at the time. 

Then it was bees, bees would do the same, land on me and not sting. Swarm around me and fly off. 

Then Hawks, hedgehogs, wolves, eagles, dove, dragons, turtles, blue birds, elephants, idk if that's all. These animals would show up in the strangest places and they would at the time, relate to what ever I had going on at the time. When I would see one and recognize that I had seen said creature multiple times, it would dawn on me to check what it meant and I would and every time, it would correlate with a drama or situation that I was having. Some times it would be so weird, my mind almost wouldn't believe it. I'm very in tune with the aspects of nature, I've always been that way. Laying in the dirt is my most healing thng I can do, sitting against the truck of a tree is the best healing connection you can get. Our creator is apart of all things that he has created and when you take the time to connect to his nature, you fill up something inside of you. If you have had a creature or thing that keeps showing up, it's not a coincidence. They are speaking to you thru nature. You will find answers here, so pay attention and when you want to do research, a you have to do is Google spritual meaning of ?? And you will be surprised at how it relates. 

Reflection

It's said that the people you are around and the way that they treat you is a reflection of how you act for towards them. I can believe this because I do it. I tend to mimic the person I'm around. If they are nervous, I am as well. If they are lying, I don't like it and I act weird. If they are shady, I'm awkward. I want to call the shady out, but I fight myself to do it. I try to put out what I want to receive back, and that's honesty, straight forward behavior that is loving. There is love in truth even if it's rough. If the other person is wearing a "mask" and is not truthful, I tend to call them out even on accident. I don't mean to do it. I just can not take it when someone is fake. Like it's not like I truly care if a stranger on the street is being a snob. But if I interact with them, they just don't get to treat me that way. Something will come out of my mouth that isn't nice. It's easier when my kids are around cause I can look at my children and tell them that if they ever act like that, I'm going to beat them. The way you treat others, is what your going to get back from people. I'm open to anyone. For instance the 20 year old partying with the drunks at the tattoo parlor. They were ramblers. They were on foot with a dog, she had a undershirt type tank top with major boobs and I do mean boobs that where like ba-bam. And he was skraggly w a dog on a leash. They were drinking the drunks alcohol. They were in love. I could tell that. A solid couple of young kids not 21. Maybe 20. I always make up a story in my head about people. And I decided they had no money and they were just wandering. They may have been camping or maybe they go back to moms house randomly. They had no roots tho. They did not have jobs. They were free. They wander around and find their next meal. Scociety says this is not acceptable. I don't mind. I feel like if they aren't destructive or thieves they can find people who genuinely care enough to sustain their lives. Until they wrong me, I'll be kind. And so I was. People like this are interesting. They had their instincts on point tho, as they left before the cops arrived. 

I am the same way. When I have been at a place with my kids, and if I'm around you in a setting, where there are drinks and idiots, and you look up and I'm gone, it's because somethin fixing to happen and I want no part of it. And my kids know my looks, I can give one look and say "load" and 3 kids and all our shit will be gone. I've had people call me, where'd you go!? So and so got into a fight, and I'm like yea, I'm out. We don't hang like that. If I'm alone, I might stay but if my kids are with me and there is anything going on that makes me uncomfortable, I am gone, and you won't even know I've left. 

Anyway, so the reflection of what you recieve from others. I open myself up to everyone. They get my openness and they get my honesty. But if you are being shady in anyway, I'm going to reflect that back. If I act crazy towards you, it's because you are doing something wrong. You gotta ask yourself, have I been on the up and up with her. And if I've been acting crazy, towards you, the answer is no. You absolutely have not been acting right towards me. You wana lie and be shady and not nice? Well you getting awkward crazy. Period. You being nice, open and honest, you get the good Jenny. This happens with everyone you interact with. Pay attention what you are putting out there. 

Words and nothing more... Frank Hamilton...

I love music and I love lyrics, I love words and I love this song .... 

Farewell the summer and welcome in the rain,

i found a lover left me high and dry again,

a non believer i will never be,

but there's no further questions in the case of you and me,

no further questions in the case of you and me.

i wish you weren't the first thing on my mind in the morning,

i'll put you in a love song, i'll put you in a love song,

and soon you'll be words and nothing more,

a song that i heard but never bought,

and under london skies we'll find our way,

find our way back home.

no, you are not a lover so i am not your friend,

this is not a rom-com there will be no happy end,

i have trouble sleeping but i can dream for days,

i'll change my socks but i will never change my ways darling,

i can change my socks but i will never change my ways,

you won't always be the first thing on my mind in the morning,

i'll put you in a love song, i'll put you in a love song,

and soon you'll be words and nothing more,

a song that i heard but never bought,

and under london skies we'll find our way,

find our way back home.

oh, i can change my socks but i will never change my ways.

i can change my socks but i will never change my ways.

i can change my socks but i will never change my ways.

i can change my socks but i wont ever change.

and soon you'll be words and nothing more,

a song that i heard but never bought,

and under london skies we'll find our way,

we'll find our way...

a face in the crowd i used to know.

cause darling right now i want you so,

but under london skies i'll find my way,

i'll find my way back home .

I love water.

Beach day two, we started out with a pep talk today, yesterday was crazy. I normally get a min by myself with my kids to lay down the law. If there are others to interfere with our process things get all messed up. There are several parents here, and everyone has a say. But mostly cause I'm the 24 hour parent, I like to start out at the bottom, I just am the bossiest and most stubborn. But I am kind and generous in the way that I told them this; alright, stay less than half of the house away from me at all times...they want to get out there real far, it goes for miles it seems and is still shallow, and they want to ride the big waves. And it's not that I care, I told them it's logistics, I can not get to you in time to save you if something happens, you have to be close enough, for ms to save you. I have 3 stubborn kids that are not going to do a dam thing I say unless they understand the reasons. And once they see why I tell them things, they tend to stick with the program. And then it's Jax mind Jennifer, (Jax has always not completely jived with Jenn, it's just something we have adjusted to. They love each other but there is still a lil disrespectful behavior out of Jax toward her.) and Harper just mind period, and scout mind josh(josh and scout butt heads) I make them mind everyone else. I make them respect everyone else. They have to respect these other figures of authority and I do too, to make this entire situation to work. The kids have to see that it's normal from me. And they follow suite. 

So today they stuck closer, were more aware of where they were and it was a beautiful day. We are all sunburned and tired. I plan on shopping for crap later. That's my fav thing to do on vacay, find crap that I like, that's not what I find at home. 

And I'm going to find some crab legs. And sea food that knocks my socks off. I may have a fruity adult beverage as well. I'm moving to the beach.