No one is going to say it for you

I've always been a talker.  When I have something big to say, heck even little, I feel it well up in my chest, and it explodes there if I leave it unsaid and I either, self implode on myself or whomever it is the words are for.  Some days I'll have a lil more control than others and I'll get the chance to form the thoughts before I go off half cocked with some crazy shit coming out of my mouth. And sometimes not. Sometimes when I'm making a Facebook post about some crap, and i don't even know where the message came from, it comes out so fast that I can't even edit. It just like word vomits out of my body. I am made this way. If there is truth to speak, I have to speak it. This does cause me total problems. My friends really have to understand me to stay. Cause I'm honest. My family already knows. 

I know that when you speak things that are deep and come from the soul leave you very vulnerable and it's scary for some. I have a friend, when they got something to say, I feel their anxiety, rise up their throat like bile and sits in their chest and eats them alive. They are full of anxiety because they can not get their words out. They can not express themselves. And I have been working and trying to figure out why. So I came up with this; 

1. When was the last time you could express yourself? Was is a companion that you expressed yourself to and they made you feel inadequate by dismissing your feelings. 

2. Did you express your love and pour it all out on them and did they leave you.? 

3. Let's go farther back, was it something in your childhood? Did you try to express your needs, and there was no one there to really fufill them? So u just quit expressing. 

I know why this person quit expressing. I seen the vision in my own head. Like a frozen picture in time that downloaded in my mind. 

So I have these questions; 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life stuck, because you can't even stand up and say no. 

Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life because you are to afraid to say what you need, how you feel, and express your feelings, so the other person you are with at the moment, thinks your vacant. When actually you are so full of emotions but you just can't say them. 

Do you have anything to lose by saying how you feel? No. You actually don't.. Because if you express yourself and they can't handle your emotions, they aren't supposed to. 

But what will happen if you don't express yourself, is everyone will just assume you are hollow and empty and they will walk. It is your body, your voice and your life, there will be no one but you to use your voice. You have nothing to lose. Start small. When someone asks you how you feel, tell them the truth, say "well I'm fine, but my head does hurt" or "well I'm ok, but I'm starving" 

You are a human being, you don't have to keep it together all the time. You aren't that same lil human not getting your needs met by busy parents. You are not that adolescent or teen that got your heart broken, and you somehow closed up inside of yourself and built walls so high that your words out. Damn it. Speak up. Say what your needs are. Say what your feelings are. Only you can express how you feel. No one else knows. And no one will help fufill your needs if they have no freaking clue how to. Because you are so solitairy. It's not weak to express yourself. It's beautiful and its freeing. Say what you feel! If you feel like shit, say it. If you are in love, say it!!! Scream it. If your pissed off, scream it!!  Say it already !!! 

Paradox of the perfect life.

We build these lives in our minds. As we grow up. These lives we see. This man or woman to come along and fufill us. This home we long for, these cars, a good job. These material things that essentially mean nothing. We build this life. We may even get a chance to live it. But there is something missing and you just can not pin point what it is. You aren't happy. You struggle day to day to find what you think your looking for. 

These lives that we are told to live. Is a lie. The paradox of the "perfect life" with the white picket fence and all that shit. It's bullshit. It is a idea of a government. To keep us contained. It's a idea of our parents, our parents parents, their parents. It's bull shit. You build this life in your mind. The only life that you live that feels good, it's true to your soul. 

And what is true to your soul, may not be the "paradox of a perfect life" 

It maybe, you are alone raising your kids with all the people that makes them w you.. There is no picket fence. There is no perfect home. There is no perfect relationship. There is no perfect life. This life you have built in your head, this perfect life, is only going to screw you up. Because when things don't go so perfect, you totally lose yourself and think "I'm miserable, maybe if I do this, it'll make things better" but what you end up doing is piling a bunch of bullshit on bullshit and now you just have a pile of materialistic bullshit. 

So I ask you to ask yourself "what does my soul say?" 

Does my soul feel good? Am I living my personal truth, do I even know my personal truth? 

What you see as perfect in the next persons life is totally bullshit. They are faking it till they make it. And trust me I can spot a fake person one mile away. Build that beautiful home, have that precious family, with the emptiness inside of you. Keep projecting this perfectness. It won't matter, you will crumble anyway. You will start looking to other ways to fill up your soul. I can list them, but I won't.

You have to ask yourself daily, "is my soul happy?" Am I complete? And if your answer is no, you seek. You look to God and you look to the inside of yourself and you find yourself and when you do, you jump into what ever makes you happy. Even if you jump the ship of the "paradox of the perfect life" 

At some point if you aren't happy, it'll all crumble before your very eyes, anyway. Just ask me bout it. Your spirit, your soul has more power than you think. It will wake you up when you least expect it to. And you will have to change the things that you think are the "perfect life" to be what is true to you. Not to your parents ideas, your grandparents ideas, or  society ideas. It's your soul. That is your compass. God guides that. God has direct connection to that energy force that is with in you.