Today can be the day.

Today can be the day. That I start over. Again. I start over as many times as I have to, seems like I'm doing that a lot more lately than I feel safe. I've literally followed what I feel is divine guidance for about 1 year and a half. I would like to say I didn't always do this, but looking back, I know that I always followed my gut instinct. And that didn't always take me to happy places. I've been in places that are dark enough to want to die. But I feel like at this point, I had to do those particular things, to be who I am. I used to say that I had one regret. I have learned that I need no regrets, I have always done the best I could to do what was right. Even after I had done something that wasn't ok, I always go back and right that wrong. And now, I don't even do the same things I used to do. I'm not the same. So because I took all those rocky roads down life, I am more aware of the actions I take, knowing the automatically affect the people I love as well. 

So any way, I've followed what I'm assuming is divine guidance and not one thing has steered me in the wrong direction yet. At this point tho, I'm on a journey to have patience. I'm ready to move forward, but something keeps holding me back. I can't say I know what it is. I know what I've built in my mind, I know that's it's out there for me, waiting for me to grab it. But I can't even see it. People that I have valued more than they have valued me, have hurt me so much, that I can't seem to look passed that lately. Which only means one thing, that it's me, holding me back and only I can move myself forward. The question is, what's the first step? They keep saying two things to me. Forgiveness and trust. Well it's hard for me to forgive someone, when they don't even see what they have done wrong, but some how, I have to forgive them for my own well being. And trust. Trust that God has not abandoned me, trust that I wasn't lead down a path to people that were there to do nothing other than hurt me, crack me open, to let out all the blackness and pain from all the other heartbreaks I've carried around with me. They had to come, they had to hurt me, and I have to let them go in forgiveness. That's a tall order for me. 

I had a friend tell me recently "no, I brought you nothing but trouble and you took it and made it beautiful" and for that blessing that God gave me, the ability to take something so heart breaking and twist it to make it beautiful and needed. That's how I start over. Right this minute I'm starting over, everything I was seeking is now something else I'm seeking. I'm starting over again right now.